Codependency

What is codependency?
Myth;  Often we see codependency as some clingy person who has to have the love of the person they love.  An inappropriate relationship of mistress that is sure her lover will leave his wife.  We think of T.V. sitcoms, and drama's.  Most of which depict a crazy girl or guy doing nutty things to keep the person they love in their lives.

Reality:  Trying to support your loved one in the best way you know how.  Sometimes that means doing things wrong, putting passwords on everything, restricting our loved ones access so that they can't make bad choices, or the opposite doing nothing at all and letting them trample on our marriage vows.  We want to know everything and nothing about the nature of the addiction.  We want them to be the person we fell in love with.  Sometimes we drown ourselves in other things; cleaning house, watching TV, helping others, keeping busy with what ever we can so we don't have to think about it.  Just a quick side note, some of these relationships are toxic.  If you feel worthless or are afraid you won't be loved by anyone else remember that God loves you more than you will ever know.  I know I may be the last person to talk about leaving a spouse since I haven't but I truly believe that toxic relationships are bad for everyone; you, your partner, your children.  Follow that gut feeling and your heart. Keep breathing and believing God loves you and your spouse, and things will work out even if you aren't with your spouse.  Disclaimer: I am not advocating leaving or staying with a spouse that has an addiction.  Please seek help from the appropriate people; counselor, support group, religious leader, prayer.  Back to Codependency now.


Okay the reason I brought this up was because if you live with an addict it is likely you have a codependent relationship with that person.  I want to talk about the things I have learned about my codependency.  Once upon a time I tried to control my husbands every move I wanted to know where he was and what he was doing at all times.  I still do really, but I have learned so much.  I'll catch you up.

Last time I talked about boundaries, this time I will expand on that.  Someone told me once that an appropriate boundary was one that does not impose limits on others only on your self and your children.  This is one of the hardest things for me on this journey; I want to drag my husband with me into righteousness, I want him to do the right things, and I want him to do it now.  But it doesn't work that way.  For change to make a difference in someone's life they have to want it for themselves.  There is a song in the hymn book for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints called "Know this, That every Soul is Free".  The last part of the first verse applies in this situation "...God will force no man to Heaven."  This part of the song has played in my head over and over again. Then I think if God won't do it I shouldn't.  My husband needs my love and support but not my direction on his recovery journey.  I am still figuring out what that looks like.  I know it isn't me telling him to go to counseling, or forcing him with threats of losing me and the kids to go to the pornography additions support groups.  It does mean that if he makes those choices around my children we will leave, because I have to protect them from pornography as long as I can.  It does mean if he were to continue to make bad choices I don't have to live in that kind of home. It also means I let him know I know he can make the change, and that I love him.

Something that helped me determine my boundaries was in the Addo Recovery program a question was posed. That question was, "What are your absolutes?" or your must haves.  I thought about that and then decided how to accomplish those absolutes.  I.E. I have to have a safe environment for my children, so pornography will not be viewed in my home etc..

If you are wanting to set boundaries but don't know where to start, feel free to use the resources listed: www.addorecovery.com, Boundaries by Henry Cloud, Also The spouse support group of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Find a meeting here addictionrecovery.lds.org/find-a-meeting?lang=eng

Thanks for reading I hope my little bit of knowledge helps inspire and give peace.


Note: I am not a professional if you feel unsafe or need help Please seek help from professionals.