Going to the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints LDS Family services Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) support group was life changing. It made a huge difference in my husband's and my own recovery. So I hope to talk a little about what I have learned.
When I started going to group the support group used the same book as the addicts, the Addiction Recovery program book, it can be found in the life changes section of the LDS gospel library app. I started to reading the first step Honesty. As I read I was thinking yes this is what HE needs. I was reading for him. I was going to talk to him about it and fix him. This was my mind set. I can't remember if it was the first, or second, or even the third principal that I read and was working through when the thought came to me that I should be reading these steps and working on theses things for my self. This made a huge difference in my recovery. I wasn't doing this for him I was doing it for me. This was my first step. It started me on a path from what I call Satan's plan to God's plan. I know this sounds harsh but it is true. When I was doing everything to keep my husband away from his addiction and enlisted others to do the same I was making his choices for him. That is what Satan wanted for us in the preexistence, he was going to tell us what to do and make us do it. God wants us make our own decisions. I truly believe Satan wanted me to control my husbands action and make him do what is right thus removing my husbands responsibility for his actions and placing them on my shoulders. Now of course I was not responsible for his actions but that was the illusion. When he made a bad choice I wondered what I had done wrong, what I could have done to keep him from doing it, and what I needed to do to stop it in the future when it wasn't my job to do any of those things.
Sorry I got off topic. Honesty: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. I am a codependent woman who wants to control and manipulate my husband to be a righteous person, and this has made it impossible to control my own life. I have become an angry and hurt person and it is hard to see light and happiness. It is hard to focus on what is good in my husband because I am constantly waiting for him to relapse. A quote from the ARP guide says "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." - Elder Russel M. Nelson. I can honestly say I had become so obsessed with my husband's addiction that I was no longer doing things for my self. I still don't a lot of times. I spent hours setting up parental controls and blocking inappropriate things. I had lost who I was and what I wanted. I still am not sure of that.
It is only when I am honest with myself about where my focus is, and when I lean on the lord, that I am able to see the good in my husband and in my life. I am finding my self again and that is because every day I am getting better at letting my husband be responsible for his own actions. Boundaries, (I know I have said it before) are essential for me as a codependent person. Setting boundaries have helped me find peace. This summer my husband had a relapse that had, one come after 4 years of being clean, and two crossed a boundary that protected my children. The consequence of this was that I and my children left the house of and stayed at my mother's. I was mad at him and angry that he had forgotten that being honest with me was important and two that he had forgotten that the protection of my children is number one for me. It took me time to be patient and feel love for him. I had to remember that he is God's son. I had to find my boundary again where I end and he begins because this has helped me know where my codependency is getting stronger than my will. I did a lot of praying and a lot of study. I knew that no matter what my husband chose I would be okay and so would my kids. I hoped and prayed my husband would choose to come to the lord but I knew if he didn't I would stay on my path towards my savior and let him guide my actions.
Thanks for your time. Remember that I am not a professional just a woman who loves a man and the lord. If you feel unsafe please seek help, if you need some to talk to I am more than willing, but finding a local group may be more helpful. Thanks again, bye for now.
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