Alright Last time I talked about sticking around when if you were on the outside you might wonder why. I can't say there weren't times I didn't wonder why but it always came down to that feeling that he was sincere in his desire to change. I know I had family members who thought I was naïve and unaware, and in many ways I was. I continued to go to counseling though I have to say after that first counselor said that it wasn't personal I didn't stay with her. (I wasn't ready to hear it wasn't personal yet.) I didn't just talk about my husbands problems partly because he had a couple years there where he did okay. He avoided temptation some of that was because of the circumstances, part because my husbands problem gets worse when he is stressed and doesn't deal with it well and we had little to no stress at this time. We moved from our apartment to my mothers then to our own house during this time all seemed well. I stopped going to counseling and he was going to a support group for a short time while we were at my mothers. Life was good we had a home and were expecting a new baby. Then he switched jobs This began the darkest times in our marriage. His problems came back with a vengeance. He would make excuses for his behavior and try to down play what was going on. His boss didn't fire him but when my husband tried to change his mind about leaving work he didn't get his job back. At the time I was upset but I understand why my husbands old boss didn't want to hire my husband back. We had a Baby then and would soon be expecting a second (though we didn't know this.) We had been trying but my heart wasn't in it. I didn't know if I really wanted to bring another child into the mess that was my marriage. Being out of work we lived on student loans and the charity of others. We both were attending school online so we needed internet this gave him easy access. I tried to set up restrictions and parental controls but he knew his way around them. Trying to keep him away from porn was a full time job. He worked the odd job for his former employer, a friend, and temp agencies, he got hired on at one job but didn't make it past the probationary period. The stress was immense and his go to for stress relief was pornography. During this time we discovered we were expecting baby number two, and he was born healthy and happy but after that yet another job fell through. But God had a plan for two days after our second baby was born my husband got a phone call for another temp job. It was with a travel agency and would last 3 month with the chance of getting highered permanently after that. That job was the reason he didn't get hired at the other job, I am sure of it because he still has that job today (for a little while longer anyway, but more on that later)
During this time my husband spent most of his time with out a temple recommend (a document that allows access to LDS temple for worthy members). I almost left a few times because he was in such a dark place. I talked with our bishop at the time and he said at that time he is in such a dark place right now he can't see the good you have to help him see it. I tried, the thing was that there were some amazingly happy things happening as well I have video of the cutest interaction of him and my oldest playing on Sunday afternoons. He never stopped going to church even during the pregnancy when I was feeling cruddy he would go and take my son with him. He read his scriptures often. He never stopped putting forth the effort to change. After our second son was born he got his recommend back and things were good for a while then of course as addiction goes, it came back. I didn't think I could do much more this time it seemed he had almost given up and I was ready to leave. I talked to our Bishop and he suggested we both go to a support group. I had thought about going to the spouse support group years earlier but didn't I wasn't ready to share what I was going through with anyone else. This time I was ready I didn't want to lose the man I loved (though it was hard to find him at that time), So we started to go to group every Sunday night. I couldn't believe what I had been missing! I had a safe place to talk about my pain and problems with others just like me. I learned that controlling my husband was crippling to both me and him. I was referred to www.addorecovery.com and a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend what a difference that first chapter made. (I am not good with informational books so I didn't get very far) addorecovery saved me so much stress and gave me a sense of security in my home. Between these two things and and the Addiction Recovery Program family support group I found peace. I learned that my job is to protect my children, and my self. Not my husband. I am supposed to love him and support him but not control and protect. I learned about boundaries, a good boundary puts limitations on you and your children without imposing restrictions on the addict. This is what I was told. It is a fine line and one that has been hard for me not to cross because I did it for so long. But the results were amazing. It was very hard at first because I felt like I was abandoning him. He felt that way to. But what I was doing was putting his agency back in his own hands and making him responsible for his own actions. This is instead of controlling those actions and taking his consequence on myself. I know it was the right thing to do.
I have learned so much about addiction. Like you are always and addict. (I didn't know this I thought when you were clean you were clean.) Or you will relapse of you are not actively working on recovery. This was discouraging at first but now I see it as the most amazing mind set. I mean addiction is a disease of the mind, the brain chemistry of the addict is physically changed because of the chemicals introduced into the system. That is powerful, and sexual addiction is worse because it is a naturally occurring chemical that the addict craves. If an addict does not recognize that they are always an addict, and susceptible to relapse they will fall back into those addictive behaviors. The thought that there isn't a cure to addiction is a saving grace. It keeps them on their toes and always aware that they are one wrong step away from falling off the wagon so to speak. Also to those who have the tools it brings peace. To those who understand that God is our guide there is even more power. Only through Him can we overcome our addictions. I am not very good at following God's will always but I am trying to be and hopefully I can get better every day.
Thanks for reading I hope some of what I have said brings peace and healing.
Note: I am not a professional if you feel unsafe or need help Please seek help from professionals.
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