Day one the beginning of the journey,
Once upon a time I was a young woman who liked a young man. We had both served LDS missions and both loved God. I talked to him on the phone a couple times a week because we lived on opposite sides of the state. We were just good friends but there was something there. One night during our phone conversation he admitted that he had once had a problem with pornography. He said he hadn't had the problem since before his mission and so I thought "Oh what a great guy honest and honorable." Shortly after, our relationship went from friends to something more. We went quickly from a couple to an engaged couple. We were happy, but he started to have problems. past temptations started to come up and bother him he was honest with me about the fact that they were there and that he was trying to deal with it. Nothing to prevent him from entering the LDS Temple but enough that he felt he needed to talk with his bishop (ecclesiastical leader for The church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints). He spoke with him and we were given the go ahead to be married in the LDS temple.
At the time I thought all was well. I thought he was all done with his problem and I would never see it again. I was a very naïve innocent girl, though I had known people with addictions I did not understand addiction. Shortly after we got married his problem reared its ugly head again. He was given a warning at work that if his problem continued he would lose his job. He confided this in me I was devastated I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was not enough. I started to attend counseling and it helped a little. Something that that counselor said was that my husbands actions were not personal. That hurt, I mean how could they not be. He was looking at other women, there must have been something that they had that I didn't. I was wrong. addiction is not personal it is chemical but more on that later. His favorite phrase when sharing bad decisions during this time was "I was curious." I came to hate that phrase! We had been married about 3-4 months when he lost his job because of his choices. Looking back I think if I had had the knowledge I have now I probably would have left him. There were many discussions with our bishop and many trips to the counselor. I didn't truly understand what he was going through. I still don't, but I know that if an addict is not actively working toward recovery they will not be able to succeed in their endeavors. My world was turned upside down and my strength was my faith in God and my love of the man I had married. During that time I would wake up to find myself alone in bed. This more orften than not meant that he was looking at things on the computer. (I still wake up alone but it is different now, usually he is getting ready for work sometimes watching tv, sometimes playing video games. I have come to accept that he gets up early but rarely do I get that gut wrenching fear that he is making a bad choice.) Why did I put up with it why did I stay through this neglect and obvious breaking of our marriage vows? Because I told him one night after we had a long talk, that as long as he was trying to overcome his problem I would not leave.
You see though there were horrible things that were happening there were also amazing ones when you think about it. He was trying. He genuinely wanted to make a change he wanted to stop, he wanted to change. How do I know, he was talking to our bishop he was going to counseling. I felt an honesty in his desires. (I think that God helped me to see his heart and what he wanted). He just didn't have the tools to make the change himself. I can honestly say I am glad I did not leave him at that time. I am actually glad that I didn't know as much as I do now because at that time a desire to change was all I needed to stay. I feel lucky to be with a man that recognizes his addiction as just that, and wants to change. I know that I am where God wants me to be and I am sure it is Him that helped me see my sweet husbands desirer to change.
I am sure there are some that may think I am still naïve but I choose to stay because my husband is a good man. He loves his children and he loves God.
I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning of our journey together but I have learned so much and hope to be able to share both my mistakes and my triumphs. Thanks for reading and I hope I can share hope and peace with others.
Note: I am not a professional if you feel unsafe or need help Please seek help from professionals.
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