12 Steps: Honesty

Going to the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints LDS Family services Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) support group was life changing.  It made a huge difference in my husband's and my own recovery.  So I hope to talk a little about what I have learned.

When I started going to group the support group used the same book as the addicts, the Addiction Recovery program book, it can be found in the life changes section of the LDS gospel library app.  I started to reading the first step Honesty.  As I read I was thinking yes this is what HE needs.  I was reading for him.  I was going to talk to him about it and fix him.  This was my mind set.  I can't remember if it was the first, or second, or even the third principal that I read and was working through when the thought came to me that I should be reading these steps and working on theses things for my self.  This made a huge difference in my recovery.  I wasn't doing this for him I was doing it for me.  This was my first step.  It started me on a path from what I call Satan's plan to God's plan.  I know this sounds harsh but it is true.  When I was doing everything to keep my husband away from his addiction and enlisted others to do the same I was making his choices for him.  That is what Satan wanted for us in the preexistence, he was going to tell us what to do and make us do it.  God wants us make our own decisions.  I truly believe Satan wanted me to control my husbands action and make him do what is right thus removing my husbands responsibility for his actions and placing them on my shoulders.  Now of course I was not responsible for his actions but that was the illusion.  When he made a bad choice I wondered what I had done wrong, what I could have done to keep him from doing it, and what I needed to do to stop it in the future when it wasn't my job to do any of those things.

Sorry I got off topic. Honesty: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.  I am a codependent woman who wants to control and manipulate my husband to be a righteous person, and this has made it impossible to control my own life. I have become an angry and hurt person and it is hard to see light and happiness.  It is hard to focus on what is good in my husband because I am constantly waiting for him to relapse.  A quote from the ARP guide says "Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will." - Elder Russel M. Nelson.  I can honestly say I had become so obsessed with my husband's addiction that I was no longer doing things for my self.  I still don't a lot of times. I spent hours setting up parental controls and blocking inappropriate things. I had lost who I was and what I wanted.  I still am not sure of that.  

It is only when I am honest with myself about where my focus is, and when I lean on the lord, that I am able to see the good in my husband and in my life.  I am finding my self again and that is because every day I am getting better at letting my husband be responsible for his own actions.  Boundaries, (I know I have said it before) are essential for me as a codependent person.  Setting boundaries have helped me find peace. This summer my husband had a relapse that had, one come after 4 years of being clean, and two crossed a boundary that protected my children.  The consequence of this was that I and my children left the house of and stayed at my mother's.  I was mad at him and angry that he had forgotten that being honest with me was important and two that he had forgotten that the protection of my children is number one for me.  It took me time to be patient and feel love for him. I had to remember that he is God's son.  I had to find my boundary again where I end and he begins because this has helped me know where my codependency is getting stronger than my will.  I did a lot of praying and a lot of study.  I knew that no matter what my husband chose I would be okay and so would my kids.  I hoped and prayed my husband would choose to come to the lord but I knew if he didn't I would stay on my path towards my savior and let him guide my actions.

Thanks for your time.  Remember that I am not a professional just a woman who loves a man and the lord.  If you feel unsafe please seek help, if you need some to talk to I am more than willing, but finding a local group may be more helpful. Thanks again, bye for now.

Codependency

What is codependency?
Myth;  Often we see codependency as some clingy person who has to have the love of the person they love.  An inappropriate relationship of mistress that is sure her lover will leave his wife.  We think of T.V. sitcoms, and drama's.  Most of which depict a crazy girl or guy doing nutty things to keep the person they love in their lives.

Reality:  Trying to support your loved one in the best way you know how.  Sometimes that means doing things wrong, putting passwords on everything, restricting our loved ones access so that they can't make bad choices, or the opposite doing nothing at all and letting them trample on our marriage vows.  We want to know everything and nothing about the nature of the addiction.  We want them to be the person we fell in love with.  Sometimes we drown ourselves in other things; cleaning house, watching TV, helping others, keeping busy with what ever we can so we don't have to think about it.  Just a quick side note, some of these relationships are toxic.  If you feel worthless or are afraid you won't be loved by anyone else remember that God loves you more than you will ever know.  I know I may be the last person to talk about leaving a spouse since I haven't but I truly believe that toxic relationships are bad for everyone; you, your partner, your children.  Follow that gut feeling and your heart. Keep breathing and believing God loves you and your spouse, and things will work out even if you aren't with your spouse.  Disclaimer: I am not advocating leaving or staying with a spouse that has an addiction.  Please seek help from the appropriate people; counselor, support group, religious leader, prayer.  Back to Codependency now.


Okay the reason I brought this up was because if you live with an addict it is likely you have a codependent relationship with that person.  I want to talk about the things I have learned about my codependency.  Once upon a time I tried to control my husbands every move I wanted to know where he was and what he was doing at all times.  I still do really, but I have learned so much.  I'll catch you up.

Last time I talked about boundaries, this time I will expand on that.  Someone told me once that an appropriate boundary was one that does not impose limits on others only on your self and your children.  This is one of the hardest things for me on this journey; I want to drag my husband with me into righteousness, I want him to do the right things, and I want him to do it now.  But it doesn't work that way.  For change to make a difference in someone's life they have to want it for themselves.  There is a song in the hymn book for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints called "Know this, That every Soul is Free".  The last part of the first verse applies in this situation "...God will force no man to Heaven."  This part of the song has played in my head over and over again. Then I think if God won't do it I shouldn't.  My husband needs my love and support but not my direction on his recovery journey.  I am still figuring out what that looks like.  I know it isn't me telling him to go to counseling, or forcing him with threats of losing me and the kids to go to the pornography additions support groups.  It does mean that if he makes those choices around my children we will leave, because I have to protect them from pornography as long as I can.  It does mean if he were to continue to make bad choices I don't have to live in that kind of home. It also means I let him know I know he can make the change, and that I love him.

Something that helped me determine my boundaries was in the Addo Recovery program a question was posed. That question was, "What are your absolutes?" or your must haves.  I thought about that and then decided how to accomplish those absolutes.  I.E. I have to have a safe environment for my children, so pornography will not be viewed in my home etc..

If you are wanting to set boundaries but don't know where to start, feel free to use the resources listed: www.addorecovery.com, Boundaries by Henry Cloud, Also The spouse support group of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Find a meeting here addictionrecovery.lds.org/find-a-meeting?lang=eng

Thanks for reading I hope my little bit of knowledge helps inspire and give peace.


Note: I am not a professional if you feel unsafe or need help Please seek help from professionals.